Sunday, December 30, 2007

Smug thinking

Up until a few hours ago I could have sworn that my life changed because I made it change. I was the one who moved to another country. I was the one who left my friends and family. I was the one who ended things. I was responsible for their need to look elsewhere for a substitute. It was me, it was all about me.
But today I realized that -brace yourselves- things change. On their own, independently, no help needed. Sure, I could go and be a determinist about it. To be honest, I don't want to because that's a sad world for my (smug) taste- a world in which you cannot influence anything ever. Still, I can't help but question whether I really changed anything, whether I was an active factor at all.

My self-developed mind frame would say it's irrelevant to the situation. Just deal with it and move on. Life is not static, especially one like mine, which has always been and probably will be quite dinamic for a long time. But this is just one of those moments when you're so subtly shocked, it makes your brain step into a bubble gum and just stare at its shoe, contemplating how to remove itself from this silly unexpected predicament. Of course, shoes can be changed and the problem forgotten easily. But then what would be the point of having a brain in the first place?
Ever happen to you? Ever wonder whether you really stepped into it or whether it was inevitable for the order of the universe that you step into it? Primitive philosophy, I know. We can think about it, applaud ourselves for it and be proud. In the end, the actual problem fades behind a foggy curtain of "I have better things to do with my time. I'm too good for this." But the conclusion remains - it really is just all about us.

So can you blame me for hoping and wishing I could undo what I believe to have actively done all by myself?